In her best selling book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, licensed counselor, sought-after relationship expert, and one of the most influential therapists on Instagram Nedra Glover Tawwab demystifies this complex topic for today’s world. In a relatable and inclusive tone, Set Boundaries, Find Peace presents simple-yet-powerful ways to establish healthy boundaries in all aspects of life. Rooted in the latest research and best practices used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), these techniques help us identify and express our needs clearly and without apology–and unravel a root problem behind codependency, power struggles, anxiety, depression, burnout, and more. Until reading her book, I struggled with maintaining boundaries. Notice I didn’t say setting them.

I had spent half of my life before my relocation to California attempting to set boundaries. I didn’t fully understand how badly I needed them until I started preparing to leave my hometown for the first time and upon announcing my decision to family and friends, was met with so many people telling me what I could and couldn’t do. I was an adult, but I didn’t feel like one. Everyone had an opinion about what was best for me, my son, my situation. Rooted in their feedback and comfort for disregarding my wishes, was disrespect. I don’t believe it was intended to be, but it was. When we tell the adult people in our lives our plans for them, their children, their lives–especially when they differ–we discount, disregard, and disrespect their own. Following years of practice, self work, self awareness, and growth, I have found my boundary setting to be one of my greatest strengths. Being able to prioritize my own needs, has drastically improved the quality of my life. It’s saved me so much time, energy, and helped me to build the capacity needed in other areas in my life.

I watched my son play basketball several weeks ago and one of the referees kept calling an out of bounds against his team. He said as they dribbled, caught the ball, stood, played, they were out of the court’s boundary for which the game is to be played. I’m an avid basketball watcher. I was once an avid player. I love the game. I love to watch it, teach it, play it. It brings me joy. After years of experiencing it, it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that a light bulb went off and the correlation between boundaries and basketball clicked for me. Think of your life, your self-improvement, your evolution as a basketball court. Within the lines of the court are the things that matter: the court is your life, you can navigate it as you wish but the goal is to advance up the court (evolve), and score as many points as you can to win. The victory in our lives might be our faith, a goal, our health, relationships, and is often a combination of these things. On the court we have teammates, just as we do in life, those who are sent to help us achieve the goal to win. Those players, as in basketball, might be substituted out when they need a break, may need to rest, may get hurt. We lose players and people, that’s part of the game. However, the boundaries are unchanging. As the game progresses, the lines that we are not to cross, are the same at the start, throughout, and at the end of the game. That’s how our boundaries should be. Once they’re set, decided on, determined, we aren’t to negotiate them as we work to win.

A boundary is a line meant to mark the limits of an area or the limit of a subject or sphere of an activity. Boundaries are meant to keep things safe, organized, and within its capacity. I have learned that boundaries are not universal. Unlike basketball, boundaries in life are not the same for everyone. Your limits are not my limits and my limits aren’t yours. Further, how we respond to the boundaries of others are likewise not universal. We are all learning, growing, changing. Our boundaries may change as we grow too, but should only do so when we determine they need to in order to better shield, protect, and fit our needs. In Nedra’s book, she talks about boundaries in all areas of one’s life: work, familial relationships, romantic relationships, with our children, friends, etc. In her book, I found easy to use tools to manage boundary challenges I had been experiencing for a very long time. There is now a workbook that accompanies the book and it too, is a tool for change. It gives you the information and tips you need to empower you to do the things you’ve always wanted to do by teaching you how. Below are a few key take-a-ways from Nedra’s book and my own experience in setting boundaries and coaching others to do the same.

1. Be selfish. Recognize that your boundary is for and about you. Own that. Be accountable to and for the boundary. Your boundaries aren’t meant to make others happy.
2. Be consistent. The key to maintaining a boundary is to keep at it. Don’t give up or give in because of external pressure. Your internal will, reason for setting a boundary in the first place, and respect for self is more important.
3. No is an answer. A full answer. You don’t need to provide an explanation or continue the conversation.
4. Your boundaries are your power in action. Your power cannot be taken, only given away. Each time you default on your boundaries, you give a little bit more of your power away.
5. Expect discomfort. As with anything new, setting boundaries won’t be easy in the beginning. However, the more consistent and prepared you are, the better you are positioned to maintain the boundary you believe you need.

I don’t know who or what might be out of bounds in your life right now, but I consider boundary setting an art which makes us as people, artists. I hope you find the recommendations above helpful to you in creating your best art yet. The quality of your life depends on it.

Should you desire further support in this area or others, consider services offered via Marquisha&Co. You can find more information here.